We are a year on and I feel like I am still in shock and at times in deep grief. I am trying to heal my wound but it is going to take a while. I do not have a mum or a dad in my life.He was everything to me. We were meant to be the couple that lasted. But we didn't. We dint have the easiest of circumstances.
I won't say he was my soul mate because I don't even know if I believe in that, but we had a pretty unique and strong connection. We understand we will always have that but it is very different. I am still trying to manage what that is.
I know we are no longer on the same path, but it still hurts. I know I am on a different path, one that is full of growth and healing and fun adventures ahead. Which I am so excited about.
Music was a huge part of our relationship and family. I saw one of our families favourite artist LIOR on the weekend. I lined up for around 30 mins in the freezing cold. As people slowly were let out, 1 for 1, 2 for 2. I missed most of the gig but I was lucky enough to hear two songs. These two songs were both on the album that we would smash over and over, over the years. The last song he sang ( This old Love ). I sat on the carpet in the walk way alone surrounded by hundreds of people sobbing, Lucky it was really dark.I was absolutely balling m eyes out. Listeing to LIORS soft and hair stand up on arms voice. That song was important us. Those lyrics let's grow old together, was no longer our story. My wound was raw and open again.
I was feeling so alone, I headed out of the hall. It was winter and winter in our little town it can get Real cold. In a town I had called my home or 6 years I walked the street, wiping my tears away with my jacket. I felt like I was a stranger in this town. People were laughing, singing packing music and I was crying my eyes out, desperate seeking a cigarette (yea i know ita a filthy habit but its.my habit I keep trying to give up but when these emotions come when the grief hits me like a car, a ciggie can be a life raft for a few minutes.
I walked on and luckily went and found some of my friends. They allowed me to have my moment but knew, I would quickly pick myself up and enjoy the rest of my night. I always let myself have a moment, then adjust my crown and go and get on with my new life.
I had washed my face and I was back in my happy place ready for a fun gig. I walked arm in arm with a mutual friend of ours, , XH and I. I absolutely adore and respect this women so much. We both were sharing our mixed emotions and times we were having at this festival. I told her I had just been to see LIOR and it opened up my wound. She knew how much I loved my Husband. She showed me compassion and heard my pain. She is one of the kindest women in this town. There were a few girls in front of us, some I knew, some I didn't.
Sadly I heard one women infant of us say, "If she knew seeing Lior was going to make her sad, why would you go see him?". It wasn't said with care or concern it was said with critical and a judgmental energy. I would of loved to have sat down with you and helped open your mind but thought drunk people can be not so open. I also don't get out much and wasn't going to let someone ruin my last fun dancing opttitunity with my friends.
I am still not sure, nor do I care, which one of you said that very ignorant and unkind statement but here is some answers for you.
1. I went and saw LIOR firstly because I am strong independent grown ass women that can do what she likes.
3. No one ever died from feeling some sadness, Trust me I have tested this threary for many years.
2. I love the shit out of LIOR and I had a perfect opportunity to see him in my town I call home. Why would I pass that up just to sit in comfort. I am not a number. Tears are good, crying is healing.
4. When you have been in a nearly 20 year relationship with someone, your life is intwined on so many levels. everything can be a triggure. Everything reminds of you of the that person and a beautiful hopeful time in your life. First times without your husband can be very hard but we move and make new memories..
If I didn't want to feel sadness, I would literally never listen to music, never cook our favourite meals, watch our favourite moves, not see or talk to our sons, not go to restaurants and cafes, not talk to any of our mutual friends. I would have to go live in a cave.
But I am here to create new memories. So thank you for being the dick to my new LIOR story. You didn't ruin it, you just made me, feel an extra bit of sadness, not for me, for you. I'm actually ok and still really happy and got to witness LIOR LIVE.
BUT as I said I am a strong grown ass women. Who was talking to a very compassionate and kind women that you could really benefit from taking some tips from.
So from this story I hope we can all show a little more kindness and not be such assholes. Everyone is fighting there own battles. As my mother would say " If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". She didn't exactly listen to her own words but WE CAN, LADIES WE CAN.
PEACE OUT
Frankie xx